Dark Jokes
- While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”
- A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.” The mother exclaimed, “A $100! You said it was only $20!” “Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”
- What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.
- Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now !
Employee: How?
Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left
Honestly Funny Dark Jokes
- What can a goose do that a duck can’t, but a lawyer should? Shove its bill up its ass!
- If an accountant’s spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.
- Why can’t designated hitters bake pancakes? They also forget the batter.
- Do you know what happens if you piss of a pilot? He takes off.
- Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
- We’ve been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.
- How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.
- A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
- Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”
- Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”Brunette: “I don’t know.”Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”
- There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
- Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?A: She can’t find the eleven.
- A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
- A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
- A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”
Old but nice dark jokes
- A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”
- There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.
- There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
- I would like to have kids one day. But I don’t think I could put up with them any longer than that, though.
- My grief therapist died the other day. She was so good at her job that I don’t even care!
- My favourite movie is ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame.’ I love it when the protagonist has a twisted back story.
- My friend said that if she went off a cliff, it would be on her own accord. It’s a good thing she drives a Civic!
- When my boyfriend’s dog died, I tried to cheer him up by getting him an identical one. But he screamed at me asking what he was supposed to do with two dead dogs!
- My grandmother said that I’m too dependent on technology. I called her a hypocrite and disconnected her life support.
- You are what you eat. So, you should really give up the nuts.
- I have made a joke on trickle down economics. But most of you won’t get it!
- I have a fish that’s capable of breakdancing. But she can do it only for 30 seconds and only once!
- I have zero carbon footprint. That’s because I drive everywhere.
- A recent study has found that man eats more bananas than monkeys. I anyway can’t recall the last time I ate a monkey.
- Before I judge someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. So when I do judge them, I am a mile away and I also have their shoes.
- I am very good at keeping secrets. It is the people I tell them to who cannot.
- I didn’t get your text. Or perhaps my dog ate it again!
- I wonder why everyone calls me crazy. The voices tell me that I’m completely sane!
- A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
- and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
- A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
- A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
- Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?A: Their bats flew away.
- Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?A: Because he was always spotted.
- An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”
- A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.Boy: Why do you look so fat?Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.Boy: Is it a good baby?Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
Some other fantastic Dark Jokes
- There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”
- Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”
- A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”
- I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
- A man tells his wife, “Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago.” The wife yells at him, “Why are you just telling me now?” He said, “Because I couldn’t stop laughing.”
